This is the transcript for the film, Zachary & Ainsley 5: Spice vs. Blood.


| PG-13 | Parents Strongly Cautioned (MPAA) |


| Bloody Horror Violence and Terror, Thematic/Suggestive Material and Language |





Opening Logos

Chapter 1: Cooling OffEdit

(Outside, Zachary and the girls are running a trail, panting.)

Zachary: 16 laps, one more to go! The more running, the more faster we finish.

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Zachary: This is our last lap! Whew! Finally.

Maddie: I agree. This is just like when we did long distance in track a few years ago.

(2 minutes later)

Zachary: (he and the girls stop running) Man, we ran 9 miles which means 17 laps is enough for a day, don't you agree, Ainsley?

Ainsley: Yeah. We're all sweaty now.

Leah: Our bodies are all red and sweaty.

Clancatcher: I tend to agree. How about we just stay home for the week to cool off?

Zachary: Yeah, I agree. 100 degrees on a Saturday sucks. And speaking of what Leah said, our bodies look spicy when we're all red and sweaty.

(everyone laughs)

Meredith: LOL.

Alexa: Good one, Zach.

Spearslinger: I agree with them.

​Ainsley: ​Totally.

Zachary: (puts his hand on Ainsley's shoulder) Let's go home. Our blood is pumping up.

Zachary & Ainsley 5: Spice vs. Blood

​(At home in the living room, Zachary and the girls are in their swimsuits. Zachary and Ainsley are sitting on the couch. Ainsley's back is being massaged by Zachary.)


Ainsley: ​(Zachary kisses her cheek) Awww. Zach, you're so sweet.

​Zachary: ​Thanks.

Ainsley: ​Any time. Continue.

(Zachary continues to massage Ainsley's back. Alexandra enters the room.)

Alexandra: Guys, I have something amazing to tell you.

Alex: Tell us about it.

Alexandra: Very well. I saw in the news that a new hospital in town has arrived. After being built in the right spot. Why, it is named The Blood Chamber. Anyway, what do you guys think about the place?

Allie: We haven't actually been there yet.

Meredith: Allie's right. We should go see it.

Alexandra: Right after we finish cooling off. The good news is that Rusty and Sherlock Sheahomes are actually working there!

(Everyone cheers)

Zachary: All right, baby!

​Chapter 11: A Bloody RampageEdit

​(In their backyard, Olivia, Meredith and Lydia have their legs strapped to separate chairs below a clothesline.)

Zachary: ​Seriously, one of these Somali girls have to know the true difference between spice and blood.

Olivia: ​You know who you're messing with, Zach. You have any idea what your next challenge is?

Zachary: ​Nope. But a hundred people surveyed, number one answer's on the board, my friend. (he gives Olivia an explosive blood bag) Name the User Squad person who's in charge.

​Olivia: ​Vincent...Van Go-kiss-Kaia.

Zachary: ​Hmm. Vincent Van Go-kiss-Kaia. Survey says! (he sets off the blood bag with a red button and it explodes on Olivia, covering her in blood and she screams in pain)

Lydia: ​Oh no!

​Clancatcher: ​Jesus Christ! Zachary!

​Zachary: ​What, Clancatcher? I said this was going to be bloody.

Clancatcher: ​Still though.

Olivia: (groans in pain) Oh, you son of a whore!

Zachary: ​Save it for your funeral, Liv. (Olivia groans in pain again and he turns to Meredith) Hundred people surveyed, number one answer's still on the board. Name the User Squad person who's in charge. (silence) Need an answer, sweetie. (Meredith points to a glass bucket of blood hanging from a rope on the clothesline) Hmm. Spice-flavored blood. Well, you never know what the difference is. (he pulls the rope) LET ME SEE SPICE-FLAVORED BLOOD! (he lets go of the rope and the bucket dumps the blood on Meredith and she screams in agony) Ladies, that's two strikes. One more and all the blood gets lit on fire. Get a chance to go to Hell. (he turns to Clancatcher) I'm just assuming Sophia and Abworker are planning the next challenge for me and Ainsley. I hope it's not something racist. (he turns to Lydia) All right, sweetie.

Clancatcher: She doesn't know it, Zach. So--

Zachary: Clancatcher, shut your goddamn lip-chapped mouth! (he turns backs to Lydia) Looking for the User Squad person who's--

Olivia: Lydia Bortz, you say one word and I'll have you swallow an entire chicken leg!

Zachary: Not the time, Liv. (he picks up 25 rend grenades strapped to each other in a square shape and throws them at Olivia, knocking her over, covering her in more blood, killing her)

Lydia: Oh no! (Clancatcher sighs in frustration)

​Zachary: ​Lydia, you gotta listen to me. I have blood cancer.

Meredith: ​Ha ha! Blood cancer.

Zachary: ​(picks up a giant rend grenade and throws it at Meredith, knocking her over, covering her in more blood, killing her) As you can see, the veins in my body are now red because all my blood is covering them and my heart is beating at 90%, which is ten percentages away from 100. Anyway, I need you to answer this question.

Lydia: ​Let me're gonna ask the question that you asked to Liv and Meredith.

Zachary: ​Yes. Name the User Squad person who's in charge.

Lydia: ​Inferno999.

​Zachary: ​That's the guy I'm talking about. (he unstraps Lydia) You are free to go because you got it right!

Lydia: ​Sweet! (gets off the chair and hugs Zachary)

Clancatcher: ​Uh, Zach. We should probably go home and give the losers a bath.

Zachary: ​You're right.

Lydia: ​Let me check their heart. (she listens to Olivia's heart then Meredith's) They're dead.

Zachary: ​That was my bad.

Lydia: ​They need to be soaked in a bath of healing waters.

​Clancatcher: ​She's right. Let's go home and give them a bath. (he turns to Zachary) And you need to apologize to them when we get back because they were killed, thanks to you.

Zachary: ​Right. I know. I'll do that.

​Chapter 25: The Explosives ChallengeEdit

​(Zachary, Ainsley, Alexa, Spearslinger, Sarah and Maddie enter the mansion's explosives room and walk up to a pile of dynamite sticks and a TNT)

​Alexa: ​Okay, you two. You ready for your last challenge?

​Ainsley: ​You bet we are. We'll see how we do.

​Sarah: ​So, what you're gonna do is we're gonna run through the destruction of the mansion. Let me get it started. (she picks up some dynamite sticks, shoves them aside then sits on the TNT) Oh yeah! Try this, kids at home! (she lights her head on fire with a torch, which makes the flame go to the rest of her body and hops off the TNT, which lights on fire, along with the dynamite sticks)

Maddie: ​Hey, look! It's working!

​Zachary: ​Uh, ladies, this doesn't look good.

Ainsley: ​Sarah, get away from those! They're gonna blow!

Spearslinger: ​Look out!

Sarah: ​(the explosives explode on her) Oww! Aw, man, that hurts. Ow, ow, ow!

Zachary: ​Are you okay? You're badly hurt.

Sarah: ​(groans in pain) My back's fine all right. Am I bleeding?

Zachary: ​Oh.

Sarah: ​Ow, ow, ow.

Maddie: ​Sarah, are you ok--Ohhh no. (she and everyone else are surrounded by security cameras) Guys, we're boned.

Zachary, Ainsley, Alexa, Spearslinger, Sarah and Maddie: ​INTERVENTION!!!!!

(The security cameras start shooting explosives at them.)

Zachary: ​What the hell?!

Ainsley: ​We destroyed the explosives room.

Alexa: ​She's freaking right. We're such JERKS! (she launches herself out of the room)

​Zachary: ​Wait for us, Alexa!

Sarah: ​Whoa!

​(More explosives explode.)

Ainsley: ​This place is gonna blow to hell! (she and everyone else start running through the mansion)

Zachary: ​The other explosives have been triggered! (he and the girls scream and run) Look out! (they approach more explosives) Huh?! (the explosives explode on them) Whoa!

Spearslinger: ​Ouch!

Ainsley: ​Keep running! (she and everyone else screams)

​(A chain reaction of five piles of explosives explode.)

​Sarah: ​What the...(everyone screams as more explosives explode on them)

Maddie: ​Goddamn it! (she and everyone else run into the library and Ainsley slams the doors shut) The library! We should be safe in here!

​(Six bookshelves explode, two by two, making the books fall to the floor.)

Zachary: ​The bookshelves!

​Ainsley: ​Zach! The books and desks are gonna explode.

​Sarah: ​She's right. This room's on fire because of the explosions.

​(The books and desks explode.)

​Alexa: ​I'm starting to get sweaty. I'm starting to get sweaty.

​Sarah: ​There's a way out! (points to a window) The window. People jump out the window, true fact. For when they're trapped in a fire.

Ainsley: ​Let's go!

Sarah: ​Whoa! (they jump out the window, which makes the glass break) Bombs away!

​(The five land on the ground.)

Zachary: ​So, now what?

Ainsley: ​What now? We have to run, that's what!

Sarah: ​Look out! It's gonna explode! (the mansion explodes on them and they scream as the explosion covers them in blood)

Zachary: ​Yikes!

​Ainsley: ​(they run to a giant steel tent) My heart's beating so hard, I could die any second now!

​Zachary: ​Almost there. Don't give up! Whoa! (the girls scream as they accelerate into the tent) RAAAAAAAAH!

​(The doors of the tent close.)

Maddie: ​Oh no, we're trapped!

​(The doors close again. They open, then close, then open again, then close again.)

Zachary: ​Ladies, I have a plan.

Spearslinger: ​What's that, Zach?

Zachary: ​Time bombs.

​Ainsley: ​What do we do?

​Zachary: ​Blow them up!

Sarah: ​This tent's made of steel, Zach.

Zachary: ​Let's just run out.

​Maddie: ​Okay.

Zachary: ​(he and the girls run out of the tent) Go, go, go, go! (they scream as they run out and the doors close)

​Ainsley: ​Quick, throw the bombs! THROW THEM!

​(Zachary throws a pile of time bombs and they land on the sides of the tent.)

​Maddie: ​Guys, we're boned.

​Sarah: ​Uh oh.

​(The time bombs beep.)

Zachary: ​(gasps) Heads up! THEY'RE GONNA BLOW!

Alexa: ​Did the time bombs explode yet?

​(The time bombs beep one last time and explode, covering Zachary and the girls in blood as the tent gets destroyed by the explosion and it falls to pieces.)

​Sarah: ​You two passed this challenge. (she and everyone else walk away from the remaining pieces of the tent)

Chapter 29: Closing Down Spice Edit

Maddie: ​(walks up to the entrance gate to Spice) Maddie to friends. Zach and Ainsley have scored 80% on their full blood test. They only failed the Turkey Challenge, where Sophia and Abworker helped them save the twins from being eaten by a turkey, which they didn't succeed. (yells) ​Hey, spicy universe, bite my shiny metal a--​(she thrusts her shorts onto the gate and screams as she is launched into the air by the explosion)

​(Zachary, Ainsley, Alex and Leah scream as they are launched far into the woods where Maddie screams as she lands into the forest on her head)

​Chapter 33: End CreditsEdit


Zachary | Trey Parker

Ainsley and Spearslinger | Matt Stone

Meredith | John DiMaggio

Alexa | Phil MaLarr

Abby and Olivia | Billy West

Kaia | Maurice LaMarche

Lydia | David Herman

Clancatcher | Neil Patrick Harris

Alexandra | Julianne Moore

Carina | Chloe Grace Moretz

Alex | Judy Greer

Leah | Gabriella Wilde

Rachel | Gemma Arterton

Allie | Portia Doubleday

Sophia | Saxon Sharbino

Abworker | Meryl Streep

Sarah | Lauren Graham

Maddie | Dakota Johnson

Rusty | Paul Walker

Sherlock Sheahomes | Michael Clarke Duncan